The PlasticInedible Frankfurter Fort War
by thedarksquiggle
Summary: Cheza's walkman, Tsume's escape, and the rubber boot of Quint. An award winning tale of love, adventure, broken hearts, and the bull that I'm writing right now.
1. Default Chapter

The Plastic-Inedible Frankfurter Fort War

Ch 1: AN EXPERIMENT GONE WRONG!!!!

By: Thedarksquiggle

Disclaimer========= Nope I no own it

Author's Note========

=action

[]=sound

evil ff.net quickedit changes...

Please keep your hands arms and legs inside the vehicle at all times! Sudden randomness ahead. You flame you die. Just kidding please if your gonna flame and for some reason have psychic powers and predict you will flame then um… don't read...

/singing/ A horse is a horse a horse of course… but it ain't no seahorse…

DAMN STRAIGHT!

Story=======

Once upon a time it was the end of the world, and for some reason wittle fluffy wuffy woofies looked like humans... yes very scary... Anyhow they went of on a magical journey to find a flower that wasn't a flower but was a person made out of flowers, but just liked to confuse people... like certain Inuyasha fans who fall asleep watching TV (and I mean they confuse the Inuyasha fans not that the Inuyasha fans were made out of flowers) ... Anyhow what the TV show DOESN'T tell you is something awful happened while they were off on their journey. And it was all because of PROFFESOR HINKLE DINKLE!!!!! Yes, unfortunately Professor Hinkle Dinkle was trying to take over the world by creating a super giant asparagus-growing potion to become his evil minions MAUAHAHAH! However, since Professor Hinkle Dinkle was actually a janitor for Toys R Us it didn't work out so well and he ended up putting Barney, My Little Pony, and Sparkly stuff in a blender to create MAGIC SNEEZE INDUCING SPARKLEYS, of course when he fired it from his human catapult cannon he stole from the circus, people with allergies were having a field day and had to plug up their nose with toilet paper (of course it was RECYCLED PAPER AHHHHH!!!! Since all the trees were dead... mostly). However... that's nothing compared with what happened to our favorite woffies!

Hige: Man, I'm hungry!

Kiba: We have to keep moving!

Toboe: This is fun!

Tsume: I hate you all...

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Okay, okay things were normal until...

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Kiba: A hot dog.. [Jaws theme] /glances at Hige... Can he beat him to the hotdog???!/

Hige: ...I'm not hungry... [psycho theme]

Toboe: WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!! HIGE'S NOT HUNGRY!! IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD!!!

Kiba: IT MOVED!!! THE HOTDOG MOVED!!

Toboe: THE THING! THE THING!! SOMETHING MOVED THE THING!!!

Kiba: /yodeling/ HOOOOOOOOOOOOOTTTTTTTTTTTDOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!

Hige: This adventure is pointless ... I'm leaving...

Kiba: BUT OUR LIVES WILL NOT BE FULLFILLED UNLESS WE FIND THE HOTDOG!!

Hige: I found the hotdog...

Kiba: THOU MUST NOT EAT THY HOTDOG!!

Hige: Okay... /leaves on a plane to Florida/

And what do you think the hotdog obsessed Kiba saw? Think people think! What is the most unlikely thing possible?

A) A hobbit break dancing

B) Ronald McDonald

C) A dancing hot dog

Well sorry folks it was neither. What he really saw was... Tsume creating an igloo of hotdogs!!!!! Yup that's right! He had stolen hotdogs form 19,456 different countries in less than two minutes! Not only that but he had a giant plasma screen TV running on super power batteries that was playing the Oscar Meyer commercial over and over. For Kiba this was unforgivable because EVERYBODY KNOWS Ballpark Franks are way better than Oscar Meyer. So naturally there was only thing to do...

Kiba: I declare this the Hotdog war!!!

Toboe: But I don't wanna fight T.T

Kiba: BEGONE SLAVE! FETCH ME SOME HOTDOGS!!

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Sorry short chapter…

========

Will Kiba fight Tsume?

Will Toboe actually get some hotdogs?

Wll Hige actually get to Florida?

All this in the next chapter MAUHAHAHA!!!!

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By the way… you know those plushies in your closet… yes those plushies… they talk.. they see everything… DON'T LET YOUR GURAD DOWN DAMMIT!!


	2. Relishman and Toboe's Seahorses Popsicle...

The PlasticInedible Frankfurter Fort War by thedarksquiggle

Ch: 2 Relishman and Toboe's Seahorses Popsicle Survival Theory

===== A/N

If you laugh at my humble writing it just goes to prove there ARE other crazy people. Right my little Seahorsey friends? (Talking to invisible space). Oh yes, these woofies you see, they're not mine. I tried to steal them, but Pegleg Sam got his name after they bit off his leg, yes very sad. So I had to let them go. So I don't own Wolf's Rain or any wolves, or any seahorses for that matter. That's okay though because Wild and Free is the Way to Be!

_Natsruby:_ Those damn cheeseitz of yours are gonna eat you one of these days and I'll LAUGH!

_Piesbiggestfan:_ Random's the name and weirdness's the game (did that make sense? O.o) Squshies... (the equivalent of darn it).

_Genkai Lady:_ T.T I feel so special inside! I think I'm gonna go find a corner to cry with happiness in.

_Kina:_ I'll try to keep the funny gene in me.

_Macha-_The Phantom Queen: RANDOM EPOPLE UNITED!!! WE SHOULD MAKE A COUNTRY!!

_BrittneyAnna:_ Strange is my middle name! ... Not really.

THANKY THANKY REVIEWERS!!!!

=======================Story

It was a sad and lonely day for poor Toboe as he chased after Hige in the airport (A/N: why do all of my stories involve airports? O.o). The damn luggage kept trying to eat his foot! Not his food his foot! Why did the bags hate him? Nobody knows. Anyhow, he was on a quest of heroic proportions! He was in search of.... HOTDOGS!!! Strangely all he could find was McDonald's.

Ronald McDonald: Hello there little boy! What's your name? /pats Toboe on head/

Ronald McDonald: AHHHHHH MY ARM!!!

Hige: I think the happy meals aren't that happy anymore....

Toboe: /munch munch munch/ I like fast food...

Hige: I'll ignore that.

Random cone man: HOLY JOSHUA!!! IT'S A MONSTER!!!!

Everyone: Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Hige: DAMMIT THEY'RE ONTO ME! /jumps in random trashcan/

Toboe was the only one left! He was one sad, lost little woofie in the airport. How dreadful, _whatever_ will he do? (Nothing, evidently). Anyhow, he became the scared little woofie too, especially after he saw.... RELISHMAN!!!!! He was as tall as a lamppost and twice as fat as that one cop who sits inside the donut store and eats all day (that's impossible as we all know).

Relishman: FE FI FO FUM! I SMELL THE BLOOD OF AN ENGLISH MUN!

Toboe: IT''S HIM! HE'S THE ENGLSIH MUN! /points at some random old lady (he thought it was guy, you can't tell sometimes you know) walking with her Wheely Walker 2000/

/munch munch munch/ (not Toboe this time)

Toboe: GRANNY!!!! OH FOR SHAME!!! I COULDNT PROTECT HER! SOMEBODY SHOOT ME!

At this point, exactly two million and one wood-cutters (right out of little red riding hood folks!) showed up and shot him. Luckily, Toboe used his amazing "I'm-a-sad-puppy-HUG-ME!-look" to deflect them all, so now there were exactly two million and one dead wood-cutters. It's a shame they weren't hot dogs. The roof of the airport opened up and three boxes fell on Hige because he's a coward. Evidently, there were people in those boxes.

Hub: Six weeks in a crate with no food or water and I still didn't make it Botswana! Least Cher's in the other box so I didn't go insane... or she was... where is she...? /finds random note/

THE NOTE READS: _Buy the red car. --Courtesy of Panda Express_

Hub: Could it be a message from God? /finds another note/

_TO BUB:_

/Hub thinking: I am not Bub/

_IF YOU EVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN, YOU WILL DIE. (Walmart smiley drawn on paper) Have a nice day!_

Hub: I'm confused, last time I checked, Cher was a woman. /Looks farther down to writing in size two font at the bottom, written upside down./

_Hot dogs would also speed up the re-registration process. X marks the spot on the treasure map. Please silence all cell phones and pagers during the presentation. ¡Feliz Cumpleaños!_

Hub: Okay using my mad detective skills I can clearly see it's a coded message. It means inside the red car, I will talk to a transvestite, but keep my distance otherwise he will shoot me. He'll sell me a map if I buy him 59 hot dogs (because that's how many words there are in the letters combined), and I will be able to register at Spy USA if I go to AMC theaters at ten o' clock because X= ten in Roman numerals and there I will be able to buy a compass from Spain that will make an X where Cher is! MUAHAHAHAH! I'm a natural genius.

Cheza: I am the flower maiden, I suggest you look at the message on the back of the paper; the front is just scratch paper. The first note was from last night's dinner.

Hub: Right. I was getting to that.

THE NOTE READS: _ I found another man, his name is Darcia. Get lost. --Cher_

Hub: Well, at least I got the transvestite part right. What type of name is Darcia for a guy anyways?

Cheza: I will name my child Darcia.

Hige: Oh, joy; it's the flower child.

Hippie escapee from _The Furuba Jedi Mole Attack_: DID SOMEBODY SAY MY NAME!?

Hige: No. Go away.

Hippie: Okay. Peace and love my brother! Righteousness!

Hige: /punching noises heard/

In the mean time, Relishman was wrecking havoc and stomping his feet really hard, but nobody cared. Eventually, Pegleg Sam showed up and tried to kill him, but it ate his pegleg so he had to hop on one leg (actually Hub ate his pegleg, but that can be our little secret, right?) all the way home. By the time Pegleg Sam got home, Hub had already decided he was gonna get to Botswana sooner or later. Whether that meant taking the country by storm or forging his passport we'll never know, but either exactly one Noble's ship went mysteriously missing that day. Hige informed Toboe that they were going to Florida and Cheza was coming too (joy). Toboe, however, remembered his bronco ridding days of yesteryear (yes, he was a cowboy back in the day) and jumped on Relishman and managed to get back to Tsume and Kiba's igloos in time to warn them of the flight. Naturally they didn't care, so he hooked Relishman up to a tractor, which was hooked up to a train, which was hooked up to a portable Barbeque and cooked hotdogs. At the same time he contemplated whether seahorses could survive in water that was negative two hundred and ninety-nine degree's Celsius. Like the Tootsie Pop question, we'll probably never know (A/N Eventually Hatori fell out of the sky and fell in the water and died so we now have scientifically proven that Toboe's Seahorses Popsicle Survival Theory is false).

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Are they really gonna leave on a jet plane?

Will they take their igloos with them?

Is Relishman really Tsume's twice removed gay cousin from Berlin?

============

All the questions in life (or at least most of them) will be answered ... someday.

MEEP!


	3. That Which Was Secretly Chapter 4

**Ch: 3 :  That Which is a Secret Chapter Four**

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Thanks to the reviewers you rock!

**ChasetheWolves: ** Oops.  Poor Hubb.  He's even abused when we try not to abuse him.

**BrittneyAnna: ** Weird huh?  I think the title coulda told anyone that muahahaha!  Thanks for reviewing.

**Awrawrawrawrawrawra:**  I WORSHIP YOUR STORY!  IT ROCKS!  LMAO  I loved the review you wrote.

**Deraigon:**  Yes THOSE plushies.  Don't turn your back on them!

**Kim:**  You stole my name!  Anyways.

**Shadow Jaganashi: ** RUN RUN!  THEY DIDN"T GET ME!  I'VE GOT AN ARMORED CAR WAITNG FOR US IN ZIMBABWE.  LET'S GO!  THEY'LL NEVER GET US. MUAHAHHA.

**Redward652: ** Lol nice to meet the King!

**Shangri-La:**  I'm glad it made you feel better!  ACK!  Hubb died?!  What episode?  Their lying to you!  They tricked your eyes!

**absolkagome: ** I'm glad you liked it.

**yuyuhakusho04:**  I'm glad the laughter came.

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I own NOTHING!  Except my clothes.  I'm not like those invisible people.

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            And so Tsume, and Kiba (plus one vaquero named Toboe and a jolly green giant look a like) arrived at the airport.  We will not tell you how, when, or why because I'm hungry and I don't feel like it.  Also NOBODY in their right minds wants to hear Tsume sing...EVER trust me... one more IF I WERE AN OSCAR MEYER WEINER... and he woulda been flying out of that little igloo of his all the way to the USA (and no not Florida because otherwise they'd be putting the Wacko Jacko Airlines out of business).  Yes it has a name... now...  By the way before I start describing this most wonderful story of out of proportioness I would like to announce that this chapter has been deceiving you!  Yes in these (counts) however many lines..  lie lies (haha)!  YES LIES!!!!!  This isn't really chapter three, it is actually chapter four buuuuuttttttttt it would seem my co-author for chapter three escaped from her mad boogie boarding escapade with the script!  LE GASP!  So instead of hearing about Quint and Blue's Amazing Disney Adventure we have... this.  Now, everything is in paragraph form because evidently it is ILLEGAL (or so those spirits tell me) on to have scripts.  How evil is this evil?  EVIL I say.  Anyhow time to show off my mad English skills.  Just kidding.  PARAGRAPH POWERRRRRRRRRR explodes into light.

            Right so they came to the airport after ten hours of musicals.  How scary.  Anyways they took the elevator up three floors, down two more, and then climbed the fire escape (not Relishman though... he just jumped and he was there because he is RELISHMAN  LORD OF THE HOTDOG CONCESSIONS!) to the ticket area only to find them selves at the same place they started.  The idiots. 

            "I DECLARE THAT WE NEED TICKETS!" yelled a very angry and de-hotdogged Kiba (those damn security guards... EVERYTHING'S a weapon these days).  So he scuttled over to the ticket counter.   Yes.  Scuttled.  He does scuttle you know.

            Then, random-ticket-lady-in-blue (no not THE Blue just blue like the color) told them they needed money.  Lucky for them, Tsume was loaded. 

            "Quick fellow hotdog fiend!  Buy us some tickets!  I'm going... to paradise,"  Kiba said as the wind swirled around him and little sparkles exploded from his head.  Okay, you fancy pants.  The sparkles r_adiated_ from his cranium.  Does that satisfy your intellectual craving for the day!?  I hope so.

            "Wee wee senor." 

            "The translation fee is an extra two hundred dollars," she said and then she took his whole wallet and ran!  Oh no!  What will they do now?!

            "JACK THE PLANE!!!"

            "No you leather wearing moron!  We have no hands!... But even handless wolves can get to... paradise."  This time the ceiling opened up and an all holy light shined down upon Kiba.  "I can flyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!!  See you in Miami suckers!  Rauken rauken rauken rauken..."

            Since Toboe is the brains of the operation he came up with the smartest, sneakist little plan anyone could ever come up with.   

            "We can beg for money with our dancing cats!"

            "No."

            "We can ask old ladies for money."

            "No." 

            "We can ask old men for money."

            "No."

            "We can lock ourselves in the cargo hold Tsume!  They'll never know until it's too late!...Tsume...Tssssssuuuuuumeeeee?  Oh, no!  I'm, just another statistic!  I'M A LOST CHILD!"

            "OGGABOOGA!"  Cried Relishman as he magically appeared from the depths of the universe.  Well the depths of my mind actually.  But you don't want to go there.  Cheese sticks and seahorses.

            "RELISHMANNNNN!"

            "OOOGABOOGA BRUDER!"

            "I can't believe it's not butter either Relishman," said Toboe as he finished buttering his now visible and hot dog free sandwich. 

            "OOOGABOOGA WEATHER BRUDER" He cried as he struck a pose from the Terminator.

            "Tsume's your brother?  We're almost family!  Let's go shoot someone!"  He picked up a shotgun and ran around in circles with it.  Unfortunately, he had the gun aiming the wrong way.

            At this point Quint walked out of McDonalds and was shot in the leg.  "Damn you Darcia!!! May you die a thousand deaths!  Good thing I was wearing my rubber boots.   Kudos to feet protectors."  Then he walked off humming the Barney song and was subsequently attacked by rabid beavers.  I pity him.

            Sadly, at that exact same moment Kiba fell out of the sky and landed on Cheza.  No actually he didn't.  He'd probably like it if he did land on her, so he landed on some random hobo instead just so we could laugh at Kiba.  HAHA! 

"I do not see anything funny about this situation.  I can assure you that you will not go to paradise."   Oh woopdy doo.

            Meanwhile, Cheza was walking around in the desert in some faraway land (probably Arizona) listening to her Walkman.  It was playing one of those "Teach Yourself English" tapes. It probably didn't help her at all.  What she _didn't _know was that she was being followed.  A hundred dollars and a purple cow to whoever figures that one out.  Who could it be?   Actually, two people were stalking her and no it wasn't Kiba you morons he was still far away camping out with that hobo.

            "This one is tired of your boring narrations.  This one thinks that one should die."  Cheza then began to dance around like a drunk, and pretty soon Quint popped out of the amazing nameless space in time and um...space.  Then they both danced drunkenly around a cactus with a sombrero on it and fried eggs on the sand.  YEEEEEEHAW!  I say.  Yeeeehaw!

            Now you're probably all wondering where our favorite-strangely-not-hungry-wolf is?  Too bad.  Anyhow we'll focus on our favorite leather-wearing wolf instead.  Why you ask?  Beacuse I rule the world. MUAHAHHA.

Tsume was sitting inside the nearest Taco Bell contemplating (I like that word and so do the froggies) why his life was filled with such crap.  Soon he came to realize that technically it was his own fault because that's just how life is.  EVERYTHING is your fault, even when it really isn't.  Doesn't it suck?  Suddenly, as he was walking back to the ticket counter (he had Quint's shotgun strangely) a bunch of skinny kids with plastic frame glasses and pimples came up to him.

"This is Zulu to Captain Kirk!  Approaching warp speed in 10... 9..."  They were closing in!  The geeks were everywhere!  There was no escape from them and their miniature Enterprise toys!  "Zulu... zuuuuuuuullllllllllllllluuuuuuuuuuuuuu...............  ZULU!...Ooops.... I popped a pimple.  Vwhere are the nuclear wessles?"

Tsume took this as his one chance to escape.  So he pulled out his uber cool Terminator sunglasses and jumped so high he could touch the ceiling.  He then laughed evilly until he realized he was going to land right back where he started.

"Beam me up Scotty!"  They cried and closed in on him.  "It must be G.I. Joe!"

"I am NOT G.I. Joe."

"Autograph autograph autograph!"

"I have no hands!"  Tsume cried, which only made him look worse than those geeks.  EVERYONE thought he was crazy.  Except Kiba, because he appeared before him in a vision to remind him of the handless problem.  Then he stole Tsume's sunglasses and vanished. 

"Curses!"  Tsume yelled, hollered and howled.  Yes, he did all three in that exact order with the same word.  However, Tsume noticed an amazing thing!  Random old people were throwing money at him and walking off saying that the poor soul had lost his mind.  FOR SHAME TSUME! FOR SHAME!  WHAT WOULD YOUR MOTHER THINK?  Well, it eventually all added up so he could afford two tickets!  One for him and one for his invisible friend Snubo!  YAY!

Hige was already flying over the Florida keys in his first class seats complete with plasma screen TV.  Woot!  He knows how to fly in style!

"Just so you know... I never saw those idiots in my life..."  Sure buddy.  Whatever.  That's what he said about that Blue's Clue's stuffed animal he had under his bed.  Haha Blue's Clues.  There's two Blues and Hige loves them both!

In case you were wondering, Hige's plane was flown by none other than the God worshiping Flanders, and Satan himself!  Just kidding, it was just flown by Flanders and Akito.  Well... that's basically the same thing. 

"Bring in the BOOZE!"  He yelled.  Hige yelled that.  Not Flanders.  Not Akito.  At least we hope not because the only thing worse then them being pilots, is them being drunk pilots.

"Why are we going in circles?" Asked the very confused Hige.  Then he decided to take a nap and he dreamed about My Little Pony.  Yes, in secret, Hige wished he was a _My Little Pony_ pony.  What can be better than dancing on rainbows and eating all day long?

The OTHER plane, now known as BIG FAT SQUIGGLE PLANE, was about to take off when Tsume suddenly jumped out the window.  Poor guy, his invisible friend told him he forgot his hat.  Invisible people don't even wear hats!  Or do they?  Are they really naked and that's why they're invisible so no one can see them in their shame?  Ponder that for a while, or at least until I get the sound system working again.  There it is.  The _Mission Impossible _Theme. COMMENCE! MUAHAHAHA!  Tsume stole the baggage car and drove it through the lower level of the airport.  He stopped and took the elevator only to come face to face with the inseparable duo!  Toboe and Relishman!  He would've run off, but then he notice THE SMELL.  That smell.  It had returned.  The menace. 

Hotdogs.

What?  Were you expecting Darcia or something?  Nah that guy was busy playing black jack in Las Vegas.  Anyhow Tsume cried.  He wanted those hotdogs so bad it nearly killed him.  Until he remembered the plane that is. 

"Quick!  To the bat mobile!"  He cried.  With that they burst forward running.  In slow motion of course!  Matrix style all the way!  They were still too late though.

"NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"  They cried and kneeled down on the floor and cried even louder.  They cried so bad it rained.  Nobody had ever cried that hard before.  Maybe Hubb, but nobody who was important had cried that hard before.  He's probably still crying from lack of respect.  Let's take a moment to pity all the humans in this sad excuse for a story.  Except Cher.  Nobody likes Cher.  She's the spawn of Satan.  That's why I made her explode, but like most evil things, she didn't stay dead.  Kinda like Homina. You know she's faking it!  Let's pity Darcia too because he only has one eye... sort of.  Like Hatori and Hakkai!  They have an eye, it's just BROKEN!  Just like their spirits, dreams, and my brain!  Okay time to get back to the story people.

Suddenly, the ground split in two and the airport flooded with water!  Those damn nobles melted the polar ice caps!

"We're all gonna die!"  Pegleg Sam cried before bursting into flames and then gettting revived by the water. 

"I'm alive!"

He drowned quickly after that.

TOOT!  Oh my goodness it was Hubb in his yellow submarine!  He had returned! 

"HUZZAH!  I've come to save the airport!"

"Looks it's random crying human guy!  Where's your girl?" said insensitive Tsume as he was trying to climb into the submarine.

"Goodbye."  Said Hubb and with that he locked Tsume outside.  Not to worry though because Tsume does have friends.

"Good riddens to you!  I SHALL SUMMON MY ARMY OF MAN EATING PENGUINS!!!"  Yelled the very cranky gray wolf.  He waited.  Then he waited some more.  He gave up and knocked on the submarine hatch.  Okay maybe he has no friends.

"Can I come in now?"

"What's the password?"

"Charlie Brown stole my pie."

"Nope."

"Bigfoot is real?"

"Nope."

"The Kwiki Mart eats people!"

"You're good."

When they walked back into the submarine, Hubb noticed that everyone was ... DEAD! 

"I can't believe I forgot the oxygen!  Quick bury the bodies under McDonalds!  Food poisoning is a common cause of death from that place.  It won't look suspicious."

"Hotdiggidy dog!  I will!"

'Hark!  We be goin aground says aye!"

"I didn't know you were Irish!"

"Call me Hubb, Captain of the Seven Seas!  You shall now hear my tales of adventure from Botswana."

"No!"  Everyone cried.  Everyone meant Toboe, Tsume, and Relishman.  Well Relishman just went "YUKKI YUKK!" but it's all the same.

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What will happen next time?

Do any of these people have a license?

Do you want random character interviews at the end of my stories with your questions?

Will Cheza learn English?  (That's a no.)

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The plushies are devouring my head argh!


End file.
